616 Interviews – Razorback

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Today we’re meeting with everyone’s favorite truck driving superhero, Razorback. Let’s learn the lingo and sing along to “Convoy!”

Marvel 616 Politics: Razorback, it is an honor to have a Southern based superhero in our midst.

Razorback: Honor’s mine, man, and you can call me Buford.

M6P: “Buford?”

R: 10-4, good buddy.

M6P: Okay, Buford, you stand out amongst other heroes by wearing a giant boar’s head over what appears to be Doctor Octopus’ track suit. Where did this stylistic choice come from?

R: Well, me and Bobby Sue (that’s my sister), were done down in this hollow (the Holis Hollow, it’s my family’s hollow) beneath the trailer this one time and seen the biggest boar we done ever saw. It was so beautiful so I shot it with my shotgun and decided instead of mountin’ it on the trailer wall I’d just wear it instead of my Copenhagen hat. And I got the track suit down at the Dollar General for five dollars and it just fits good in all the places ya want. Know what I mean?

M6P: I think so. Are you related to Forrest Gump?

R: They tend to all be kin ‘round the parts I’m from, so I guess if he’s from there, sure. Probably third or fourth cousins, ya know, the kissin’ kind.

M6P: I did not know that and gross. You’re here today because you’ve became the new spokesman for YooHoo?

R: Yea, YooHoo the delicious chocolaty beverage. I explained to them that rabbits don’t like chocolate, so that never made much sense, but boars are omnivores so that makes sense. You know boars are such omnivores they’ll eat a man.

M6P: Again, I did not know that and gross.

R: Yea, saw it happen once to this guy named Red John. We didn’t call him “Red” on a count that he was Indian ‘cause he weren’t. I like them casinos they got up on their land, you know. But we called him “Red John” on a count that he was white as snow but owned a farm. He’s like one them red eyed people, but not quite. So he’d burn out in the sun every day, which is why we called him “Red John.” A boar ate him, but the cancer most likely would’ve if the boar didn’t. Bless him.

M6P: …

R: Oh, and being a trucker, YooHoo doesn’t make you have to go to the bathroom as often as other beverages. That’s science.

M6P: I’d like to thank Buford aka Razorback for coming today and filling my head full of stories that will haunt me for years to come. We’ll see you next time on 616 Interviews.

R: You know, me and Spider-Man are good friends.

Follow Kevin McVicker:

Like an infinite number of monkeys trying to write Hamlet, Kevin has been able to randomly place together words in a somewhat coherent order in an attempt to express his lifelong love of all things Marvel. Starting from the first moments he watched Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends as a little tyke, Kevin has grown into an actual adult male while somehow maintaining his passion for superheroes. Does he know how to the change the oil in his car? No! Can he explain the convoluted history of the X-Men comic book series? Listen, bud: no one can!