616 Interviews – Lockjaw

posted in: 616 Interviews, Comics, Humor | 0


So… I’m not sure whose idea it was, but we interviewed an animal this week who can’t talk. Lockjaw is just a dog. Yeah, he can open portals and jump to places, but that’s basically just a complicated fetch. He’s a dog. So enjoy.

Marvel 616 Politics: Uh… thanks for coming and meeting with us Lockjaw.

Lockjaw: …

M6P: Uh… who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy, Lockjaw?

Lockjaw: *bark*

M6P: Well… that’s all the questions I had.

Lockjaw: …

M6P: Stop! Stop rubbing your butt on the carpet, Lockjaw! That’s a bad boy! Bad, Lockjaw!

Jon Durmin: Stop yelling at the dog. I’m a vet in training, and I know what to do.

M6P: Jon, go back to your own columns.

JD: Look, Lockjaw just needs to be expressed, that’s all. Let me help him.

M6P: Uh… okay with me if it’s fine with my producer.

Producer Andy: This segment is already ruined; let him help the dog.

JD: So basically his glands need to be expressed, and here’s how…



Jarid: Hey, guys, has Storm showed back up… WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!

JD: Look, I’m done and he feels better.

M6P: But we don’t! You at home, do not look up expressing dogs’ glands!

PA: I’m gonna be sick.

JD: See you guys around.

Jarid: I’m not going to shake your hand after that!

M6P: That kinda makes me miss X-Treme.

X-Treme: Hey guys! You want to go watch the Iron Man cartoon from the 90s? Century’s my favorite character.

PA: Century is no one’s favorite character, X-Treme!

X-Treme: But he was created by Abnett and Lanning… they’re really good, right?

Lockjaw: You simpleton, even Stan Lee and Jack Kirby created awful characters. No comic creator is above reproach. You, for example, were created by Fabian Nicieza, who for all the good he did in stories created some of the worst X-Men in the series history.

M6P: You can talk, Lockjaw?

Lockjaw: Just that sentence and this sentence explaining that these are the only two sentences I can speak.

M6P: What?

Lockjaw: …

Jarid: I don’t remember from where, but you definitely stole that bit.

M6P: Jarid, look! Storm.

Jarid: Ooooh! Where?

M6P: Well, that’s all the time we have for this week’s 616 Interviews. We have no idea what we’re doing!


Follow Kevin McVicker:

Like an infinite number of monkeys trying to write Hamlet, Kevin has been able to randomly place together words in a somewhat coherent order in an attempt to express his lifelong love of all things Marvel. Starting from the first moments he watched Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends as a little tyke, Kevin has grown into an actual adult male while somehow maintaining his passion for superheroes. Does he know how to the change the oil in his car? No! Can he explain the convoluted history of the X-Men comic book series? Listen, bud: no one can!