616 Interviews – Dirk Anger
By Kevin McVicker
This week we have the leader of H.A.T.E. and all-around fun (or terrifying) guy to party with: Dirk Anger. Being that he is now a zombie, we scooped together what little brains we could find here in the M6P offices to satiate his undying appetite so we could get the real low down on who the real Dirk Anger is. It turns out the real Dirk Anger is almost entirely unacceptable to print on a family friendly site such as this but we didn’t want to waste all that intern grey-matter we fed him. We now present to you an extremely heavily edited interview. Good luck.
Marvel 616 Politics: Thanks for agreeing to meet with us today, Dirk Anger. Would you prefer Dirk or Mr. Anger?
Dirk Anger: [censored for sensitive readers] but you can call me Dirk.
M6P: Whoa. Out the gate, huh? Okay, well, Dirk, how have things been for you?
DA: [Our law team warned us not to print this answer due to potential liable suits by a certain former presidential nominee from South Carolina] and then bang bang bang! No more meows! Kitty’s dead! Ha. Great times.
M6P: Holy crap. I don’t know what to say.
DA: You know, every morning I wake up and eat six freshly ground chicks. Did it before I was a zombie too. It’s life!
M6P: I didn’t even ask a question.
DA: And so I says to him, I say, you got legs, baby. You’re everywhere. I bet you can’t [redacted due to being classified information] Ahahaha. I told them it would burn.
M6P: You stole and burnt the American Constitution on a drunken dare by Mel Gibson? [We should’ve edited that because that was the classified information redacted in the previous statement. In fact, pointing that out when we obviously had the time to write this warning seems strangely irresponsible]
DA: He’s Australian and I’m from Jersey. Doesn’t matter to us. Ate the ashes too. Found some crazy women, and overdosed on pain medication. Get me a stomach pump! Hahaha. That’s a catch phrase, kid. [he just said a long string of obscenities at this point for no reason] I think that’s all of them. You know any more?
M6P: What is happening? I’m supposed to be asking you about any mother issues you had and you’re asking to compare notes on vulgarities (which you missed two big ones, by the way). Don’t let the Juggernaut hear you.
DA: My mom? Huh. Dworkin? Yeah. She died. Big deal. I kept the dresses. Big deal. I like to wear ‘em sometimes. Big deal. [this spiraled to a very awkward place at this point, which we aren’t trying to judge, but we are]
Dirk Anger: An object at rest, cannot be stopped!
M6P: Hmm… true and moronic. Are you sure you’re not a villain from the Tick? Well, that’s all the time we have this week and we’re cutting out before he gets in another single syllable. See you next time on 616 Interviews!