616 Interviews – Black Bolt
By Kevin McVicker
This week for some reason we interviewed Blackagar Boltagon the former king of the Inhumans. My producer Andy did not leave any paper lying around or agree to pay for an interpreter who knew sign language, so there is almost no point to this interview. Thanks so much to my producer Andy for not doing the basics of his job and being cheap.
M6P: Ummm… so thanks for being here today Mr Boltagon. Is it okay if I just call you Black Bolt?
Black Bolt: [nods head in affirmation]
M6P: Okay, Black Bolt, so how are you handling the recent separation between your former wife and yourself? Do you approve of her new lover, Johnny Storm?
BB: [furious hand gestures]
M6P: Uhhhhhh… I don’t know sign language. I mean I think I know most of the alphabet in sign language thanks to Sesame Street when I was a kid, but that’s about it. Could you just try to answer by shaking your head “yes” or “no”?
BB: [shakes head “no”]
M6P: So you won’t answer?
BB: [shakes head “yes”]
M6P: You will?
BB: [shakes head again “yes”]
M6P: Ah, so is the “no” in reference to Johnny Storm?
BB: [points to me and then touches his finger to the end of his nose]
M6P: Oh, you don’t like Johnny, huh?
BB: [shakes head violently “no”]
M6P: What are you going to do about him and your wife?
BB: [opens mouth and hand with fingers forward and wiggling from the bottom of his neck, under his chin, and then outward]
M6P: You want to scream at him? But that would kill him right?
M6P: Are you really going to kill Johnny Storm?
BB: [lowers head and shakes it “no”]
M6P: You just really want to.
BB: [bobs his head up and down slightly looking off to the side]
M6P: No one would hold it against you, don’t worry.
BB: [moves his hands with fingers and writhing from the sides of his head and then mimes himself being choked]
M6P: Oh, yeah, well I guess your wife would probably kill you with her hair if you killed her boyfriend.
M6P: Wait… I have the perfect idea for you. Have you seen the movie Say Anything? I know the title is a bit ironic for you, but basically all you need is a boombox and a cassette tape of Peter Gabriel’s In Your Eyes. Just stand on the foundational ruins of Attilan outside her window with it. I promise it’ll work. Especially if her dad is in jail.
BB: [large grin and a big thumbs]
M6P: That’s what we do here at 616 Interviews. We reignite love. Go get her, Harpo.
BB: [Black Bolt leaves excitedly]
Producer Andy: Do you think that’s really going to work?
M6P: Of course not. He destroyed their home, left her to clean up the mess, and left their son to be raised by Kang the Conqueror. Not even Boyz II Men’s On Bended Knee could fix that. I was just tired of interviewing a freakin’ mime.
PA: And did you call him “Harpo”?