616 Interviews – Squirrel Girl

interviewdoomBy Kevin McVicker

Welcome back to 616 Interviews. We are back and ready to ask those hard hitting questions that no one ever thought to ask along with referential humor that only a small percentage of people with get!

To welcome back this unrequested feature we are welcoming another unrequested guest: Squirrel Girl!

M6P: Welcome, Squirrel Girl. Wow you look horrible. What’s going on with you?

Squirrel Girl: What? No, that seems a bit rude, but I’m really just too tired to fight you about it.

M6P: Doreen, are you okay? You look emaciated and like you haven’t slept in months.

SG: I mean, can we talk about something else. I’m not… I don’t know if I can talk about things. He might hear me.

M6P: This is a safe space, Doreen. You can talk to us. I’m the Barbara Walters to your Whitney Huston. Don’t be afraid to open up. What’s going on?

SG: He’s killing me.

M6P: Who’s killing you? And how is he killing?

SG: I mean, I’m a joke character. I’m supposed to be in one Christmas issue a year with my fellow GLAers. I can’t handle carrying a series. I told Bendis that he was almost using me too much. I’m not made for that.

M6P: So Bendis is killing you?

SG: No. He kills characters by twisting and turning their personality so far from what it is that eventually they break in two.

M6P: So who is killing you, Doreen? How can we stop them?

SG: It’s Alonso. He’s sucking the life from me. He’s like a real life version of Judge Doom from Roger Rabbit.

M6P: We can hide you. We can turn you back into the D-List character you were always meant to be. We can save you, Squirrel Girl.

SG: Really? You can?

M6P: Well, no. You’re probably going to die.

SG: Look, if you really want to help me, stop buying my book. Let me fall back into obscurity with the likes of Sleepwalker and Agnar, only to be brought out once or twice a year… the way I was meant to be. I miss the GLA and not actually fighting badguys. I’m not supposed to take on Kraven or Galactus. Read an Archie comic if you want goofy teen escapades.

M6P: I couldn’t agree with you more, Doreen. And I promise to not spend a dime on your comics. And to you, my one or two faithful readers, I hope you can make the same solemn vow to never again buy a Squirrel Girl comic.

SG: Thank you. They could also go burn down Alex Alonso’s home.

M6P: Whoa. Whoa. What? No. No! We cannot condone arson. Jeez. You’re an awful person Doreen Green. And is that costume even made of fake fur?

SG: No. It’s the fur of squirrels who wouldn’t do my bidding!

M6P: Yeesh. This is pretty dark.

SG: Trump 2016!

M6P: Okay, I think you’ve said enough. That’s all the time we have today. See you next [insert random period of time] for [insert character you don’t care about]! Until then keep yours Marvel 616 Politics.

Producer Andy: Hey, that’s my line.

M6P: Well, you set up this creepy interview with Doreen.

SG: There is no Doreen, only Zuul!

M6P: See.

SquirrelGirl