This week we sat down with the supposed most proficient mass murderer in the 616 because my producer is angry that I constantly mock him. Will this turn into a beautiful Barbara Walters type interview where he cries and we learn something touching and deep, or will I become a grease stain on the toe of his shoe?
Marvel 616 Politics: Punisher, may I call you Frank?
M6P: I’m gonna call you “Frank.” Frank, it is an honor to have you here today. How have you been lately?
P: I sat in front of this overweight and oblivious punk… oblivious to the fact that less than thirty minutes ago I had shoved the muzzle of my revolver against that drug pusher’s head and pulled the trigger until the wall was painted in his gore. It wasn’t murder. It wasn’t vengeance. It was punishment.
M6P: Wait, are you war journaling out loud? And did you just call me fat?
P: It appears the punk was also oblivious to his waistline. Was it a crime worth death? No. But he wouldn’t be taking any “after” pictures anytime soon.
M6P: That’s really passive aggressive for a mass murderer. So I heard you recently had a run-in with the Winter Soldier where he said, and I quote, “I’m not afraid of a man who can’t protect his own children.” How did that make you feel?
P: I wasn’t about to let that punk know that some kid who can’t let go of a plane cut me… Cut me deeper than any knife ever had. Sleepless in Seattle and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s wasn’t going to fix it, but they sure didn’t hurt.
M6P: You know he’s like sixty years older than you? And I always preferred You’ve Got Mail.
P: This punk wouldn’t know a good rom-com if it was attached to the end of my fist and I beat him to death with it.
M6P: I don’t know what I expected from a man who has killed hundreds if not thousands of humans, but you’re not very nice. I know you like to use guns and knives and bazookas to hurt and kill people, but you’re most deadly weapons… are your words, sir.
P: This punk doesn’t realize that behind this cold and harsh exterior is just a guy who wants to be hugged.
M6P: Frank, maybe I’m reading this wrong, but can I hug you?
P: … YES!
Producer Andy: This is uncomfortable.
M6P: Shut up! It’s beautiful. We’re gonna go watch Say Anything now.
P: I love that movie!
M6P: That’s all for today. I’d like to thank my new best friend, Frank, for stopping by and we hope to see you next time for another heart felt addition of 616 Interviews!
Producer Andy: Frank, real quick, what’s the quickest way to kill a bunny?
P: That’s disgusting.