By Jen Cappelli
Note: This is written with satire and little to no research with entertainment purposes first priority. Not to be taken seriously. 7, 8, 9 10. ANY EVENT, LAUNCH, ARC AROUND THE TIME OF MARKETING PUSHES FOR MOVIES.
I’m shocked Epting hasn’t gracefully swaned out to say Sebastian Stan was Hybrid-cyber-bred specially for the role of Mr. Mc Murder Metal-Arm ten years ago junk-deep in planning all facets of media. It may just trigger tumblr into squeeze so hard, even the shippers will go buy a book or two with their allowance.
6. Post-Secret Wars 2015
I’m sorry, what is up with Blondie in Spider-Man 2099? MC2 American Dream, is that you?! Hope you read the tie-ins.
5. Spider-Man Brand New Da– GET OUT. Spider-Islan– SHUT IT. Spider-Man Back In Blac–
LOOK. I’m pretty sure post-Civil-War release dates were so delayed and broken at this point that the Black Spider-Man costume ended up “re-debuting” in the “Friendly Fun” book and/or the New Avengers. BOTH of these hit shelves without a SINGLE explanation as to why the change to Emo-Parker. This story was told in the overly delayed Amazing Spider-Man. Thankfully so much has changed since those days.
4. Marvel Now!
Enjoy all these new characters that we already haven’t heard from in almost 3 years AND/OR just ended up depowered or killed.
3. Messiah Complex
Sure “Hope” you read House of M, because if not getting behind this dramatic mess will be fun. Likely the last time on earth Layla Miller was relevant. Don’t know who that is either? Exactly.
2. Secret Invasion
“OH EM GEE EVERYONE ITS MOCKINGBIRD” “Who? But…Jean Gr–“ “YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH. MOCKINGBIRD.”
1. Civil War
Without the context of the friendships, relationships, and the roster of 100’s depicted in the book, the story just doesn’t have the same impact. (The Shroud and Arachne-Woman…what?) Nope. To top it all off, the relaunch of the New Warriors book was nothing BUT baggage and leftover characters from the last 10 years. (Beak? Seriously?) Long before Evan, we were asking “WHY IS CHAMBER APOCALYPSE JUNIOR?!”