By Andy Kirby
The thighs of an Elephant
Jarid and I talk often about our physical health, and why shouldn’t we? It’s good to be healthy. But it’s not good to be obsessed about your weight. I mean, it’s just a number, right? It doesn’t really mean anything. When I’m sitting there watching X-Men Days of Future Past slurping up a gallon of health smoothy filled with sherbet and yogurt and peanut butter and natural non-fat sweetener why in the world would I need to watch my weight? Well, I’m here to tell you that as I sat and watched that end-credit scene of those poor, smoothy-starved slaves watching that pyramid be built all I could think about was how they must be sooooo thirsty…and hungry. Don’t forget hungry (as I chomped down on my mini-van sized popping corn). Those poor people. But, hey, it’s just a number right? No one wants to have elephant thighs (as Jarid so callously calls them). But I digress. The point of my story is that as soon as I saw that blue-hued young man and those four men on horses…I think they’re called ‘horsey guys’…I knew that that third peanut butter fudge mocha soy latte flavored sherbet-filled vat of goodness I had been making out with was just a dream…..a dream of a better life, a better world…a fictional dream. As fictional as non-fat Oreos…they just don’t exist. And that is the moment. The moment I realized that maybe–just maybe–I had been ticking people off with all my slurping and chomping and pajama-wearing and taking notes on my phone for the entirety of the cinematic adventure on the silver screen before me. Sad really.
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